did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My cat gives me a boner
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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