I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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