3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i love accidental penises.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
