I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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