he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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