Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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