I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
farters have to be the big spoon...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
