I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
