I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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