hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
