I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I need water and some morals
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
