Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
