i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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