i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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