Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
3pm strippers are depressing
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
