i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
