I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
