She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
