oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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