just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
