Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
