oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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