I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
