It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
