well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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