a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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