i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
