I puked a lego.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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