When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
