i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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