I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
