I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
