well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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