Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
