There was a lot of him and a little penis
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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