When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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