shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
