i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
