His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
