the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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