i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
