why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
