farters have to be the big spoon...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
this boner is exhausting
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
