Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
