Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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