u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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