The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
