She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
