Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
