So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
