it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
the raccoons are back...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
